Blog by Valerie

At times I know that if I don’t speak my truth in a certain situation, I’ll walk away feeling ashamed. And yet I suspect that when I do speak, I’ll walk away feeling unsafe and social anxiety. Because in such situations, what I feel the need to say is unpleasant and makes people uncomfortable. Sometimes people respond with judgement, I feel rejected and unsafe, and other times they act a bit upset because they agree with what I’m saying and the truth hurts.

It’s never fun to be the bearer of bad news. But if none of us do it, and we go around pretending something isn’t happening, I’ve learned from my life experience that is a scarily fertile breeding ground for neglect and abuse, especially where children are involved. (Image from here)

Many people in positions of leadership, whether in families, communities, or our wider society, lack the integrity and maturity to be responsible for the power they wield. This really scares and concerns me.

It’s tricky to talk about gossip. It tends to be considered negative, and it took some cultural learning and decolonising of my own mind to admit to myself that I see gossiping as potentially positive or negative. Potentially negative is more obvious: the rumour mill gets going with an untruth or partial truth and people can get very hurt. Potentially positive is using gossip to uphold collective social values by creating accountability and warning each other about concerning behaviours. That is how I try to use it.

I see it as similar in intent as critical journalism and even satirical news.

I have been in numerous new relationships and where I have experienced something very negative and painful, and only then did someone I trusted and knew better tell me they had experienced that previously or knew others who had. It was as if they were trying say to me, don’t worry, it’s not your fault, it’s that person’s pattern. While I know that was intended to reassure me, instead I felt let down. To speak metaphorically, why didn’t my friend warn me there was a spiky pit nearby? Why does each of us have to fall in, cut ourselves up, and learn the hard way? (Image from here)

And yet, when I try to gently warn someone, I often feel judged. I wonder why I bother, and I think about the wisdom of ‘doing unto others as you would have them do unto you’. I want to be warned, so I do my best to respectfully stick my neck out.

I have queried within myself what the social anxiety I experience is about. What is the fear? I have already experienced being kicked out of my family for truth telling about childhood abuse. I have also had some jobs and personal relationships end because of things I have said. So has Lukas. It reminds me of the phrase ‘inconvenient truth’ that Al Gore made popular. ‘Killing the messenger’ doesn’t change the message or the truth of its content, but perhaps ‘out of sight, out of mind’ works better for some people than it does for me.

I think though I have survived family rejection, being kicked out of a community and banished is a deeper intergenerational trauma. Certainly my Jewish ancestors experienced that many times, and I saw how the intergenerational trauma of that plagued my mother. After every social gathering, she spent days discussing micro interactions, picking apart what was said and done, and trying to make sense of relational dynamics. My father went the other way. He bluntly spoke his mind even when he knew it would hurt someone. Yet he couldn’t speak about certain traumas in our family, and he died of throat cancer, which I have come to see as a metaphor for a struggle with truth-telling about what really matters. (Image from here)

Recently I realised clearly one of the conflicts I inherited. Connection to Country, having traditional land to grow food and live from, was integral to my father’s family survival and cultural identity. And reliance completely on money and jewels without regard for land was integral to my mother’s family survival. It is another paradox for me to be with and honour  as best I can.

Regarding values conflict, sometimes we feel torn within ourselves. Other times, what feels expected and collectively normalised may be in conflict with our own values. How we navigate these conflicts teaches us our core values. Do we ultimately value relational harmony, ‘not rocking the boat’, or individual choice and free will to learn life lessons? Or do we value using our voice and speaking truth?

I have found truth telling vital to feeling safety and trust and integrity, so that is where I tend to err. As a multicultural person, navigating cultural difference and therefore experiencing social anxiety when I speak inconvenient truths always has been part of my reality. You’d think I might feel it less over time but I think I actually feel it more intensely! I keep working to make space for my feelings and allow them to flow.

Here’s hoping you have clarity where you stand when navigating values conflicts. Because however we behave in company, we have to live with ourselves at all times, and being at peace with myself and my spirituality is vital to my survival.

If you value this content, please engage in reciprocity by living, sharing and giving. You may be interested in Valerie’s book Healing through Indigenous Wisdom and Earth Ethos retreats on Yuin Country, far south coast NSW.