When you hear the word gossip do mostly negative images of talking about people when they’re not there come to mind? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Like everything, there’s a dark and a light side to gossip, and it’s something I’ve been reflecting on lately.

I remember years ago reading a story about gossip in an African community being vital to controlling the spread of HIV; a few men were denying they had the virus but their former partners knew otherwise and spread information through women’s gatherings. Gossip, when used with care, can be used to warn and protect and to build trust.

I have found in numerous cultures a high level of judgement towards gossip, and a number of times I have felt like someone in such a culture has let me down by not warning me so I could protect myself. A few years ago I was sent to facilitate Aboriginal community consultations outside the city where I lived. I did not know the local politics, but my manager and other staff did. No one told me to expect a former executive with a vendetta towards the organisation would show up and cause trouble. He took the microphone we were passing around for comments and attacked me and the work. Someone stood up for me and pointed out I was indigenous too, not Anglo Australian like he accused me of being, and I tried after he stormed out to get the group back on track. It was tough. Afterwards when I called my manager, she said oh, he always does that, he hates us. I was floored she had an attitude of now you know, you’ve had your trial by fire with him too and hadn’t warned me. (Image from here)

If it were a hot piece of metal, she’d have told me ‘don’t touch it, it’ll burn you’. But for many, if the concern is about a person, it’s silence and watching and only sharing experiences after the other person has been hurt too. I would much rather someone warn me, and not just watch me learn the hard way, whether it’s about a concerning person or object!

I tend to err on the side of sharing things that feel like warnings about concerning behaviours or values conflicts. I also share things I find especially hard to witness and want help with when I feel that others might be able to hold the story with compassion or offer me insight. I see many people who are averse to gossip both titillated with taboo interest in it as well as acting nervous. Interestingly, people who lean into caring gossip sharing I find tend to be less judgemental than those who shy away. It’s as if those who avoid it are scared of being judged so they want to protect themselves and others from that, even at the expense of improving protection. (I say caring gossip sharing because intention matters, and it feels different than spreading rumours or not letting someone live down one poor decision.) (Image from here)

I feel a sense of responsibility to share some personal experiences. And for behaviour that’s dangerous, I may also share a story from someone I trust. Some years ago I attended a spiritual group, and after a while brought a friend along. After some months I started seeing the leader misuse power, and by then my friend was a regular. I talked to her about concerns it was starting to feel cult-like to explain why I left. I still felt a bit guilty I had brought her into it, but at least I had shared my process so she could make up her own mind. (She did leave eventually.) But I found it hard to talk it through and reconnect with her afterwards though we tried.

Avoiding talking through things is really hard for me as I struggle to rebuild trust, but it’s common in some cultures to practice forgetting or face saving. When I worked in clergy abuse healing, I met a number of families who had gossiped enough to know which priest was an abuser and who in the family had been abused, but had not yet talked to each other directly. To me that is a dark side of gossip – there needs to be some direct follow through if something concerning comes to light, not just gossip.

A friend recently asked members of her family if they had noticed concerning dynamics between her and her mother when she was growing up. They said yes. So she asked why they didn’t say anything at the time. And to they responded that it was between the two of them. I do not agree. I feel that social responsibility is more complex than that. (Image from here)

I once lost a close friend of eight years when I told her I was concerned she was in a domestic violence relationship with her husband, and that she was feeding that dynamic out of guilt that she had cheated by putting him in a position to punish her as she kept the secret. She did not speak to me for five years after I really that, and when she got back in touch she said she heard others say something similar a few years after I did when they didn’t think she was listening, and that she had recently divorced. She said what I did was really dangerous and risky. I told her I felt that as a friend I needed to be willing to risk ending the relationship to speak loving truth. The next step after gossip can make all the difference in demonstrating our values of protection, care, and believing in each other’s strength. As is discerning when it’s appropriate to gossip and with whom. Some secrets are meant to be kept, others are not. (That’s a dark side of loyalty, a subject for a future blog maybe!)

 If you value this content, please engage in reciprocity by living, sharing and giving.