Trauma bonding tends to be defined as a strong attachment with someone (or something) abusing us or causing us harm. By this definition it is inherently negative, and the advice from a Western psychology perspective is to become aware and leave the relationship.
As previously discussed (trauma & healing; settler trauma; intergenerational trauma; whiteness trauma), indigenous science perspectives on trauma are different. Practically, how can we just leave relationships with people or social systems we rely on to survive? That feel part of our identity? We are all trauma bonded in numerous ways and will have to heal slowly and steadily together. Boundaries don’t end our interconnection or love for each other; when done well, they merely give us enough space to more fully be ourselves.
I’ve written before about estrangement with my family of origin. What feels relevant to share here is that once I realised that I had been fundamentally unsafe with them, I brought that to their attention. Their response was to attempt to gaslight, deny, and reject me more overtly. This made it painfully clear that for me to survive meant profound separation from them. The feelings of abandonment, grief and loss, distrust, and identity change I went through were intense. What helped was trusting that it was purposeful, knowing that I was choosing to accept myself and allow healing to occur.
I trust that the separation also brought up feelings of grief and loss and abandonment for them. I have had glimpses of that in limited interactions, as well as through dreams and visions. For we can never truly abandon our ancestors. Our struggles and traumas are inherently intertwined, our bonds profound. (Image from here)
This is true too with our tribes, our social groups, our nation states – so many of these fundamental relationships are built on trauma bonds.
I recently became an Australian citizen after feeling that I have been adopted by the land and ancestors here on Yuin Country. Social acceptance for me has been been slowly growing, as has my disappointment with the direction the US is heading. My connection to the US nation state was never as strong as it was with the lands and people, but I feel pretty distant these days from the latter as well. Last time we visited, it felt pretty unfertile for us, and two of our most intimate relationships ended. Lately I have been having intense dreams, restless nights, and feeling energy shifting in my hips and legs. I had been talking about renouncing my US citizenship when I had a dream in which my Opa (father’s father) said if he could have taken a moral stand by renouncing German citizenship and moving elsewhere during the Nazi era he would have. He asked if I would break that pattern. I felt like I could, so I did.
The day after I set the renunciation process in motion, I felt more grief and a bit less pain reading the news. It is as if acknowledging my nation state estrangement more formally was relinquishing me of some responsibility I’ve been carrying.
Having lived overseas for 21.5 (exactly half) of my 43 years on this planet, and the vast majority of my adult years, I am very familiar with the feeling of trying to ground and process projections non-citizens have about the US, especially around election time. I consider the leadership of the state of Israel to be more aligned with the leadership of German Nazi regime than the US; but US leadership also says that some peoples are existentially more valuable and have more of a right to survive and thrive than other peoples. I consider existential judgment to be one of the most dangerous and destructive forces in our lives, and do not tolerate it within myself.
I am grateful I can take this small moral stand and experience some healing from a nation state trauma bond. Yet I still need to have a trauma bond with at least one colonial nation state, with capitalism, and other people and social systems that don’t align with my core values or worldview.
I have come over time to believe that everything in life is for our benefit. We can fight, flight (run away from), fawn (cower to the abuser) or accept the opportunities that life presents us with, however painful and tricky. In my view we are all trauma bonded in some ways and wanting to heal and feel more whole. (Image from here)
Slowly, steadily, we can turn our social collectives towards more fully respecting humans and non humans, honouring ancient and modern wisdom about living well where we are now. I invite you to tune into yourself and see what you can accept and make space for in this moment – every tiny shift towards unconditional love and acceptance heals us and all our ancestors.
If you value this content, please engage in reciprocity by living, sharing and giving. You may also be interested in Valerie’s book or an Earth Ethos retreat on Yuin Country, far south coast NSW.