Category Archives: values

Witnessing

healing, Relationships, spiritual skills, values, , , , , , , , ,

Blog by Valerie

Witnessing is an important method of learning and healing. In a MOOC (massive open online course) I recently completed on indigenous early child development, witnessing was taught as one of the main ways indigenous children learn, to remind western educators to value it and not expect that learning needs to be in a lesson format. It seems to me, witnessing is how we all learn. We have to teach children how to behave in ‘lessons’ and other learning environments. But from when we’re tiny babies and can’t physically do much, we learn by witnessing the world without and our feelings within. (Image from here)

I’ve been doing a lot of witnessing lately with both political and social situations around me. ​Sometimes I feel grumpy and want to say, ‘Hey, don’t treat me that way!’, but I realise it isn’t about how someone is treating me, and I don’t need a boundary. They’re in pain and asking me for compassion, patience and grace. Other times I want to say, ‘Hey you don’t have to live in your hurt and believe that’s the way life is!’, but that rarely feels constructive with stuck and pained mindsets, and I don’t want to be unkind or lecture.

So I ask myself, what is my responsibility? 

I​n terms of larger social issues, I understand ​the appeal of ‘news fasts​’, because a lot of what’s reported on is hard to digest and happening physically far away​. But I feel it is my responsibility to maintain some awareness of struggles where I have ​a connection, and devote some of my time to witnessing reports from people there, feeling my feelings, and sending some prayers.

Witnessing can be incredibly healing​ because the other doesn’t feel invisible or judged. It can also be really hard work.​ I see it as an art, and part of the power of practices like ​s​acred circles, talk therapy, or confiding in someone. And it extends to our non human kin as well, as anyone who’s ignored their pet can attest. ​(Lukas and I had a cat called Marigold years ago who did what we referred to as ​’statement shits​’ outside her litter box to get her message across when she was unhappy with us​!)

Sometimes witnessing doesn’t feel like ​doing enough. I for one can’t take a photo or write a story ​about someone having a hard time and feel like I’ve done my job​ (but then I’m not a journalist​!). I tend to need to dialogue with someone or send prayers. Others might feel the need to donate money or time. One thing I’m wary about​, though, is rescuing. Sometimes we are in crisis and need to be saved from a bad situation. And yet, often the harder thing to do is to witness a struggle, wait ​to see if there is right timing ​for us to intervene, and accept that an intervention might just be a few gentle words or a reminder ​about a boundary. To overstep places us in drama we needn’t take on, and to avoid cuts us off from parts of ourselves and each other. 

That’s why witnessing is an art. ​And to all of you practicing it, I honour your work. Thank you very much for all of your unseen, valuable heart labour. (Image from here)

Exercise: Reflect on how you value witnessing. What do you tend to do when you witness something hard? What do you tend to avoid witnessing? What do you ask others to witness?

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Transitions

Culture, Decolonising, Healing, Relationships, Spiritual Skills, values, , , , , , , , , ,

Blog by Valerie

Years ago when I was practicing restorative justice/discipline in schools, what consistently came up as the toughest aspect of change were periods of transition. Teachers said, when the kids are in class we can get into a good space together, then the bell rings and they transition into the hall and it’s instant mayhem and reverting to old patterns. They reported a similar struggle with teacher staff meetings getting into a good space, but interactions in the break room not feeling great. Transition spaces were the last to be impacted by efforts to change the school culture and embed restorative values. (Image from here)

2º- LA MÉTÉO | Le Baobab Bleu

We’re in a period of transition at the moment of shifting boundaries with people, some we have known a long time and connected with deeply; shifting visions of how we’re spending our time day to day getting ready to facilitate retreats on the land here; and recently shifting our last connection with commercial or Christian Christmas to a simple seasonal solstice celebration. The past month has brought up feelings of increased freedom, loss and grief, isolation, and a witnessing and cleansing of deep roots so that we ground where we are with as much integrity as possible. (Image from here)

The Mythmakers - Nanda Maiki

I understand the trickiness of transitions; we tend to find it easier to do things by habit. But what if we have habits that we don’t like or don’t feel great? Removing oneself from collective habits, such as getting together and giving gifts on December 25, if one realises that such a habit doesn’t feel authentic, is hard work. And while it feels good to be more in alignment, it doesn’t initially feel great to purposely do mundane things on such days. It’s like a come-down from a collective program. It helps to remind myself that we’re always in transition, and being attuned to the land and seasonal cycles of the Earth means being flexible and ready to engage with sudden change. (Image from here)

Milankovitch Cycles – Obliquity | Green Comet

In social spaces it seems like people with means can pay to insulate themselves from having to experience unwanted transition. For example, if it hasn’t snowed and your holiday is already booked, you can expect snow to be manufactured and needn’t rely on winter weather or worry about the effects of climate change. So when some celebrities criticise California for not having enough fire fighters, while simultaneously hiring private ones and trying to avoid paying tax, I feel a sense of relief that class, entitlement and material privilege doesn’t insulate anyone from the need to transition and adapt to change. (Image from here)

4.5 Phases and Motions of the Moon – Astronomy

Lukas and I have been reflecting recently how we don’t have many people in our lives who could see us when we were younger and still know us and can see us now, as we have changed our lives and identities have evolved quite a bit as we’ve grown up. I realise that isn’t everyone’s journey, and I think it is more common than we tend to collectively admit. I find it deeply valuable when we allow each other to change and remain in relationship and make an effort to witness each other throughout seasons and cycles, whether in human-human relationships, relationships with a place, with animals or plants or ancestors. I invite you to reflect how much you value that.

Exercise: Think of someone you witnessed change their life and sense of identity. How have you supported that transition? How have you projected a ‘past self’ onto that person and had to change/challenge your perspective?

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Material Wealth

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La antigua Biblos: El bibliomotocarro de Antonio La CavaBlog by Valerie

When I was growing up, I watched my father hoard food, books, even household cleaning items. I remember the pain I felt when he told me the story of realising as a young teenager that he’d read every book in the library van that visited his small town every month. He went to university, the first in his family, so there was no shortage of books to read from the age of 19, but he couldn’t shake those early experiences, he worried he’d have to do without if he didn’t have things on hand. Coming from a home where I had access to multiple libraries, and many used and new book shops that we frequented regularly, I was happy to give away and trade books with trust that if I needed one again I’d find it. I didn’t need to be weighed down by a home library. But I also remember the pain I felt when I went with my dad to our favourite used book store with some boxes of books from cleaning out my room at my parents’ house. He didn’t understand why I wanted to let them go, and kept asking if I was sure. But he didn’t try to stop me. (Image from here)

Growing up, I watched my mother hoard money (and related to that, jewellery); and though it may sound strange, she also hoarded social privilege. But it felt more intense than my father trying to rebalance some pain from childhood. Hers felt existential, as if she hoarded and guarded these things like her life depended on it. The first time I earned money through babysitting, I came home with a twenty dollar bill feeling proud of myself. I had gotten the little girl to sleep despite one of her dogs nonstop fearful bellowing about a thunderstorm. My mother asked how much I made, and when I showed her, she took it, and said that she needed a cut. I couldn’t tell if she was joking. It didn’t feel like it. Then she wouldn’t give it back to me, and taunted me, hiding the bill and waving it out of my reach. That felt scary and deflating, one of many power and control games she played with me. It was as if she needed money more than she needed to be connected with me and would abuse her power and trusted role in my life to get it.

Wealth PNG Transparent Images | PNG AllWhen my father died many years later, that was my experience with her as we entered into estrangement. My mother chose money, lies and trickery over me. I have come to see that as rooted in her Jewish wounding, where through being disconnected from country for milennia, she learned to existentially cling to money, jewellery, and social status to survive. I understand that’s her survival strategy, integrated with identity and culture. I can’t be intimate with those wounds though, it feels too destructive and desolate to me, like I’m spinning in a hopeless vortex of nihilism and materialism, disconnected from the planet and my body. (Image from here)

I don’t yet feel respectful of what I experience as collectively acting out a traumatic and highly destructive wound. I focus most of my energy on deepening compassion and processing grief. I have been feeling this a lot lately with actions in the Middle East. I feel like Palestinian, Lebanese, and Iranian peoples are my spiritual kin. The hatred some of us feel towards ourselves and each other is so intense, it makes my heart feel heavy with grief. The material greed and holding in supremacy certain people and lands while dehumanising and exploiting other peoples and lands pains me deeply. I have been to Jerusalem, which many consider to be the most holy city in the world. I felt its deep and rich history. It also felt very layered in pain and messiness. There was tension, some bombing, and UN vehicles patrolling when I was there. It felt like a powder keg with everyone on edge, and that was fifteen years ago.

Everything is connectedI choose a worldview in which all lives lost, of any culture, of any animal or plant, are existentially equal, though I obviously experience some of those losses with much more intensity than others because of my own identity and connections. As this worldview and my values have solidified over time, I have found myself recently with more material ease than ever before in my adult life. I had gotten used to embodying ordeal, living without enough material wealth, devaluing its importance to rebalance growing up with my mother putting material wealth über Alles, humbly acknowledging that I needed to find ways to be more financially stable and secure, trying things and burning out, growing savings and going through them.

I’m grateful for some material ease and abundance now, and I’m grateful for experiences of lack so these experiences have more meaning to me. I don’t think I’ve now got it all figured out. I do know that weeding by going into trauma and negativity have been more valuable to me than trying to plant positive affirmations. I’ve found healthy beliefs emerge when I clear the way. And, at the moment, some material wealth has emerged. I’m allowing myself to feel more ease when we buy groceries, practicing saving without hoarding, and humbly sharing as we go. I have started to feel lately like for the first time in this life I am living the life I want to and am meant for.

Matthew 11:28 Scripture - Rest from Burden | ChristianQuotes.infoHere’s hoping your relationship with material wealth feels balanced and centred too. Blessings at a season of reflecting on thankfulness. I’m thankful you care enough to read this blog. And if you are able, I humbly ask you to consider leaving a review of my book Healing through Indigenous Wisdom on Amazon, giving a copy to a friend, or otherwise passing on the word. Sacred reciprocity makes the world go round (fodder for a future blog).

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With Dignity and Respect for All

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Blog by Valerie

Earlier in my ancestral healing journey when I set boundaries, I would tell ancestors who couldn’t support me and my core values to go. I had heard a few people advise to only work with healed ancestors, though I’m still not quite sure what that means. All our human ancestors are somewhat healed and somewhat wounded. Sure, some are wiser and more healed than others, just like people living now. And even ancestors we may refer to as ‘enlightened masters’ have blind spots and things to learn. No one’s infallible.

It felt important for a while to build my strength and skills to take space and even reject some behaviours and values, to avoid certain conflicts. But I find that what we reject tends to comes back to us seeking deeper acceptance. And since I don’t believe in existential judgement, I needed to learn to coexist with all my ancestors. If there’s a crocodile in our environment, we need to learn to live with it, how to protect ourselves and avoid it as best we can. Because that’s where we are living now, and that being has just as much value here as we do, whatever feelings we have about them. (Image from here)

Aboriginal people, through thousands of years of living with crocodiles never have considered that they are dangerous animals. We have always lived with them. They lived their own life and we lived our own ways, as long as there is common respect for each other.

–Gularrwuy Yunupil’u in Living with crocodiles (ABC documentary)

How do we respectfully, even vigorously disagree when we feel that others are acting in ways that are disrespectful and undignified? From arrogant ‘I know better’s to moral judgements, to shameful denials to self serving greed or even something as deplorable as genocide, so many of our behaviours are rooted in existential judgement. Such judgements take us out of the web of life and create existential hierarchies. Wetiko creeps in, and we start to believe stories of supremacy. If we want to embody connection, then we have to make space for really tough stuff like experiences of existential judgment from others and the painful impact of destructive behaviour.

I have written before about estrangement from my family of origin. I still have dreams about many of them and experience connection. Sometimes I feel like we have worked through things in dream states, and other times I feel like the same dynamics that I walked away from are still present. 

For a few years I took space from some members of Lukas’s family due to unacknowledged behaviours that had destructive impacts on both me as an individual and us as a couple. We started slowly reconnecting after our little one was born because Lukas wanted her to get to know them, and I respected that. I don’t feel that different than I did before, but I feel like we are better equipped to maintain boundaries and protect ourselves than we used to be. 

Interestingly more of Lukas’s ancestors who have rejected me have been coming to me in dream states and telling me how they feel and why they’ve been so hard on us, that I’m not Christian and pull him away from Christianity, I’m not focused solely on his career and have one of my own, I took too long to have a child and am only having one, I ask too much of him around the house–all sorts of criticisms. In another culture (like my Jewish-Sumerian lineage), someone would have yelled at me about all that, but the Anglo Celtic culture struggles to speak directly, and often struggles to speak their truth. I now have more stories for what I’ve been feeling and behaviours that still play out, whether it impacts me directly or helps me witness patterns and struggles in the family with more clarity and compassion. I don’t yet feel like I’ve been welcomed into the family or have social belonging. I feel overall like I’ve been begrudgingly accepted, especially since I’ve had ‘their’ child, so that I’ll always be in the family tree now and there’s no point trying to break our marriage now.

For a while I resisted working with Lukas’s ancestors. I felt like that was his responsibility, and I was pretty full working with my own. As work with mine calmed down and we decided to get pregnant, I figured if some of Lukas’s ancestors would rather work with me that I had capacity. I want to support healing and prevent my child from inheriting intergenerational trauma as best I can. It’s been interesting if pretty unpleasant for the most part. But making space for such experiences feels important in the inner and outer world right now. Grace and compassion are so valuable. There’s a lot of conflict in the world. I think it will be a lot easier to work through it when we collectively accept as a baseline that all of us on the planet, human and nonhuman, are inherently worthy of dignity and respect.

Existential judgment may be the most destructive behaviour we humans engage in. And when we do, we add to our sense of shame. I have been noticing lately how efforts to avoid feeling such shame seem to be linked to an increase ghosting behaviours. So much to make space for and pray for healing about. We can be very spiritually enriched at the moment if we can avoid overwhelm! (Image from here)

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On Gossip

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Blog by Valerie
When you hear the word gossip do mostly negative images of talking about people when they’re not there come to mind? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Like everything, there’s a dark and a light side to gossip, and it’s something I’ve been reflecting on lately.
I remember years ago reading a story about gossip in an African community being vital to controlling the spread of HIV; a few men were denying they had the virus but their former partners knew otherwise and spread information through women’s gatherings. Gossip, when used with care, can be used to warn and protect and to build trust.
Gossip | telling some secret.... what secrets can there be b… | FlickrI have found in numerous cultures a high level of judgement towards gossip, and a number of times I have felt like someone in such a culture has let me down by not warning me so I could protect myself. A few years ago I was sent to facilitate Aboriginal community consultations outside the city where I lived. I did not know the local politics, but my manager and other staff did. No one told me to expect a former executive with a vendetta towards the organisation would show up and cause trouble. He took the microphone we were passing around for comments and attacked me and the work. Someone stood up for me and pointed out I was indigenous too, not Anglo Australian like he accused me of being, and I tried after he stormed out to get the group back on track. It was tough. Afterwards when I called my manager, she said oh, he always does that, he hates us. I was floored she had an attitude of now you know, you’ve had your trial by fire with him too and hadn’t warned me. (Image from here)
If it were a hot piece of metal, she’d have told me ‘don’t touch it, it’ll burn you’. But for many, if the concern is about a person, it’s silence and watching and only sharing experiences after the other person has been hurt too. I would much rather someone warn me, and not just watch me learn the hard way, whether it’s about a concerning person or object!
Duty To Warn - Free of Charge Creative Commons Handwriting imageI tend to err on the side of sharing things that feel like warnings about concerning behaviours or values conflicts. I also share things I find especially hard to witness and want help with when I feel that others might be able to hold the story with compassion or offer me insight. I see many people who are averse to gossip both titillated with taboo interest in it as well as acting nervous. Interestingly, people who lean into caring gossip sharing I find tend to be less judgemental than those who shy away. It’s as if those who avoid it are scared of being judged so they want to protect themselves and others from that, even at the expense of improving protection. (I say caring gossip sharing because intention matters, and it feels different than spreading rumours or not letting someone live down one poor decision.) (Image from here)
I feel a sense of responsibility to share some personal experiences. And for behaviour that’s dangerous, I may also share a story from someone I trust. Some years ago I attended a spiritual group, and after a while brought a friend along. After some months I started seeing the leader misuse power, and by then my friend was a regular. I talked to her about concerns it was starting to feel cult-like to explain why I left. I still felt a bit guilty I had brought her into it, but at least I had shared my process so she could make up her own mind. (She did leave eventually.) But I found it hard to talk it through and reconnect with her afterwards though we tried.
Avoiding talking through things is really hard for me as I struggle to rebuild trust, but it’s common in some cultures to practice forgetting or face saving. When I worked in clergy abuse healing, I met a number of families who had gossiped enough to know which priest was an abuser and who in the family had been abused, but had not yet talked to each other directly. To me that is a dark side of gossip – there needs to be some direct follow through if something concerning comes to light, not just gossip.
Secret | Everyone has a secret to tell....what's yours? | val.pearl ...A friend recently asked members of her family if they had noticed concerning dynamics between her and her mother when she was growing up. They said yes. So she asked why they didn’t say anything at the time. And to they responded that it was between the two of them. I do not agree. I feel that social responsibility is more complex than that. (Image from here)
I once lost a close friend of eight years when I told her I was concerned she was in a domestic violence relationship with her husband, and that she was feeding that dynamic out of guilt that she had cheated by putting him in a position to punish her as she kept the secret. She did not speak to me for five years after I really that, and when she got back in touch she said she heard others say something similar a few years after I did when they didn’t think she was listening, and that she had recently divorced. She said what I did was really dangerous and risky. I told her I felt that as a friend I needed to be willing to risk ending the relationship to speak loving truth. The next step after gossip can make all the difference in demonstrating our values of protection, care, and believing in each other’s strength. As is discerning when it’s appropriate to gossip and with whom. Some secrets are meant to be kept, others are not. (That’s a dark side of loyalty, a subject for a future blog maybe!)
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Honouring lack

healing, Indigenous Science, relationships, values, , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Blog by Valerie
It is autumn here, and at the recent equinox we did a ceremony of thanksgiving. I like to read the Thanksgiving Address of the Haudenosaunee peoples. I find it really beautiful. We also asked for a few things, which later felt wrong to me, like it was the season of giving thanks for what we had, not to plant seeds and ask that they grow; so we did another ceremony expressing gratitude for what is working for us related to the area of life where we asked for change. That felt more balanced.
Lack of Support and Destruction of Health and Life - Symbolized by Word ...As much as I have and am truly grateful for, this experience highlighted how much lack is in my life at the moment. I started to reflect on that. I realised that I have had a belief that ‘I always have what I need’, and so if something isn’t present in my life, then I must not need it. But that belief doesn’t feel like it is honouring my life. It feels like trying to reject or mentally trick myself out of being in lack. In new age-y and positive psychology thinking, ‘light’-ness is privileged, and we are pushed to look at the bright side. There is value to that, but not, in my opinion, if it feels forced or rejects our lived experiences. Sometimes life feels heavy and dark, and it’s important to make space for that. (Image from here)
Dams and water supply schemes suffer due to lack of rain | Utility MagazineOn the planet right now, so many plants, human and non-human animals are lacking safety, security, healthy food, clean water, shelter, etc. Why would I be any different? I would expect there to be some lack in my life given our collective environment. Lack teaches me to appreciate what I have, and to cherish what comes into my life when lacks are transformed. (Image from here)
There are some areas of my life where I feel so deeply in lack that I feel pain and impatience even as I experience them healing. It is as if I’m coming from so far behind what I need that I can’t yet relax and feel at ease that it’ll keep going in a healthy direction. I need to keep it on my radar to pray about and act to improve within my power.
lack-of-motivation | Born RealistAs I am still breast-feeding and being a full time carer, Lukas has been looking for employment for a few months. That struggle has brought stress, fear, and lack for both of us, along with moments of finding deeper faith and trust, as well as gratitude and joy for extra family time. Another example: the more I parent my toddler, the mirror of my own childhood continually brings up grief and lack for me to be with, along with the joy and relief of breaking patterns as best I can by giving my child what I didn’t receive. (Image from here)
The love of money. stock image. Image of crumpled, quarter - 76482929In the Jewish family and the secular capitalist culture I was raised in, people believed not in reciprocity and gift economy, but in transactions. As a non-Zionist Jew, my understanding from my family was to place faith and trust in accumulating gold, jewelry and money for survival, not land, because we could carry those things with us if we were forced to move. They saw me as a commodity too, which felt incredibly de-humanising. It confused me for a long time, how I could feel so much love and pain at the same time. It also existentially denied my spiritual gifts and strengths. But that’s how they saw the world and what they believed in. And I’m not in the business of trying to change anyone’s beliefs but my own. Beliefs are very personal things. (Image from here)
So I have decided that I no longer believe that I always have everything I need. It feels untrue and unkind to carry that belief. I believe my responsibility is to discern my needs as best I can and act within my power to meet them; and that dignity requires me to honour Life by allowing all energies that arise within me to be celebrated. At the moment, that means honouring lack, and so here’s my blog celebrating that. I hope you find value in it.
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